Emo....

Feeling emo....

Lotsa things running in my mind now, i want to tell ppl but i can't seem to find the right words and i don't know how to start.

Yesterday when i was playing mj, my mum called me.

She said, "ah niu(referring to guan yin) said you got alot of xin shi and kan bu kai. Why you got alot of xin shi? Why kan bu kai? What you thinking?"

I kept quiet for a few seconds, then i said "aiya nothing la. Talk tomorrow i'm playing mj now."

I kind of freaked out when i heard that because how come she knows that i am not feeling happy. I didn't even go down and why she will mention about me?

I am looking for another full time job now. Going to quit my part time job. I don't know if i can handle it. 2 full time jobs + school. Wow hectic but no choice, my expenses are really very high.

I did a rough count of my expenses per month for the bills part.

School fees - $500
Maxonline + Cable tv - $160
Mobile - $60
Installment 1 - $256
Installment 2 - $167
Installment 3 - $122
Mum's mobile - $40
Utilities - $120

This is the amount i have to pay for all my bills. Feeling kinda stressed up. I'm afraid that one day i will run out of money and can't pay my bills. You know when you missed one month's payment and let it snowball it will make you even harder to repay.

And the amount above does not include my daily expenses yet! I have to eat, smoke, shop, buy cosmetics and skincare!

Or maybe i brought it upon myself. I can quit smoking which means i am like $300 richer per month. I can stop buying expensive stuffs. I can stop eating expensive stuffs. Ya right.. easier said than done. I'm useless i can't quit all these.

But how can one be happy if you don't pamper yourself by buying stuffs that you like?

If you don't need to worry about your bills, school fees or expenses.. Lucky you! I'm so envious of those whom don't need to worry about all these.

I did tried to get help from my dad... I know that all along his wife(not my mum) always don't allow him to help me. She will threaten to divorce him if he do so.

So i tried my luck, i asked him for one last time. I called him that day told him i'm going back to school soon ask him if he can help me pay a little bit for my school fees because i don't think i can handle it..

Guess what he said.

(something like that)

"Ah yi(referring to his wife) don't let me do so la.. You spend lesser will be able to pay.. If i help u pay she will be unhappy"

I broke into tears when i heard this. I cried not because i know i have to pay my own fees. But because i just feel that, whenever a child has a problem the child will turn to their family members isn't it? I thought there is this saying, your family members will never leave you in the lurch isn't it? Can someone tell me how true is this saying?

My mum.. well, if she doesn't ask me for additional money i'll be more than happy.

Sigh..
Looking forward to a better tomorrow.